am i a narcissism? I not sure... Some time i know i will be have self-absorption.. but i think it just a form of defense mechanism that build up by my conscious part of me due to many thing can be threatening me in some way..

some time im aware that i seek for attention. Some time i have low-self esteem. Some time i having the emptiness and deadness feelings. sometime i search for 'self object' to fulfill my needs. But it is never enough for me, maybe it is not stay for a long time. Im keep searching and searching ... there are many that not suitable in some way...So still haven't found a 'self object' yet... maybe it cant be categories in 'self object'... coz it is more than the characteristic of a 'self object'.

I also aware that i easily involve in transference or counter transference sometime. It is an automatic process that cause by my sink-ed part of a ice cube. It trigger by my past experience which is repressed in my mind. I notice that when i emotionally weak period, I can be having a regression process that i not aware of. Just when my friend that inform me that i just like a child. Then i only awaken by my fren that i going through this process.

I not a kind that have splitting characteristic person. I will try to think what is the middle part of the story. Maybe there are some automatic thought that told me not to just thinkbipolaric pattern in my life.

I know that i have many biases in my mind that is not good for some one in some way... But im still in the way that digging up the under-water-part of me. So I can be more understand of wat actually happen in me. I kind of greedy to wish solve this fast. Because my current situation is not appropriate for develop a full actualization. I having an impoverish solution for my inner void now. I understand that ideally we need to balance up the taking care of my self and actively caring for others. But i will feel that i neglecting my own needs in state of focus needs of others.... So that my defensemechanism start to become active and being a self-centered person. I aware of wat i actually wan and i sole of afraid of it. I think this is a phobia that create by my previous intimate relation merge with my traditional cultural family context.....