TTL hehe^_^

am i a narcissism? I not sure... Some time i know i will be have self-absorption.. but i think it just a form of defense mechanism that build up by my conscious part of me due to many thing can be threatening me in some way..

some time im aware that i seek for attention. Some time i have low-self esteem. Some time i having the emptiness and deadness feelings. sometime i search for 'self object' to fulfill my needs. But it is never enough for me, maybe it is not stay for a long time. Im keep searching and searching ... there are many that not suitable in some way...So still haven't found a 'self object' yet... maybe it cant be categories in 'self object'... coz it is more than the characteristic of a 'self object'.

I also aware that i easily involve in transference or counter transference sometime. It is an automatic process that cause by my sink-ed part of a ice cube. It trigger by my past experience which is repressed in my mind. I notice that when i emotionally weak period, I can be having a regression process that i not aware of. Just when my friend that inform me that i just like a child. Then i only awaken by my fren that i going through this process.

I not a kind that have splitting characteristic person. I will try to think what is the middle part of the story. Maybe there are some automatic thought that told me not to just thinkbipolaric pattern in my life.

I know that i have many biases in my mind that is not good for some one in some way... But im still in the way that digging up the under-water-part of me. So I can be more understand of wat actually happen in me. I kind of greedy to wish solve this fast. Because my current situation is not appropriate for develop a full actualization. I having an impoverish solution for my inner void now. I understand that ideally we need to balance up the taking care of my self and actively caring for others. But i will feel that i neglecting my own needs in state of focus needs of others.... So that my defensemechanism start to become active and being a self-centered person. I aware of wat i actually wan and i sole of afraid of it. I think this is a phobia that create by my previous intimate relation merge with my traditional cultural family context.....

some thing is bothering me right now...i kind of have a cue to lead my self to aware about it...but my another part of me told me that it will hurt me if i make it aware...i know wat is it... ya...its real hurt me a lot... just like put some salt to a open wound... >.<

I waiting someone sms...but my hp never sing a song to me... every time it sing song... i have a hope, it was not it... every time it will bring disappointment to me. Y? tell me y?...I know some time things cant make it suddenly pop out if it never exist at the first place... what should i do? my frens told me that go far far away from it... ignore it ....let time turn it lesser...there are always have other possibilities....let ur self see more far than this...
ya...i will rebuild the wall again, so that no more infection will happen again... dont say me im cruel...i just cant stand the pain any more... for my own good or maybe for urs good... maybe we both will be more comfortable later... some time feelings can cause us a wound or it will cover or even cure our wound. but wat i met now, mostly will make some bloody wounds...

分手了请不要跟我 说对不起，因为......
女孩：对不起！我——男孩：请不要对我说对不起好 吗？因为，我要对你说谢谢！谢谢你曾经对我的呵护与疼爱，谢谢你让我在爱中成熟，谢谢你教会我心疼后的更 坚强！谢谢你！
女孩：对不起！我——男孩：请不要对我说对不起好吗？因为我并不想 说没关系——
女孩：对不起！我——男孩：请不要对我说对不起好 吗？因为尽管这样，我都想看到你过得好好的，因为我要比你 过得更好！
女孩：对不起！我——男孩：请不要对我说对不起好 吗？因为你和我某一天，某一地方，某一场面再次相间时，我会骄傲的从你身边一笑而 过，我一定会 让你知道，放弃了我你是 错的，离开了你我是 对的！
女孩：对不起!我——男孩：请不要对我说对不起好吗？因为我失去的是个不 爱我的人，而你却失去了一个很爱你的人！

给搞不懂喜 欢与爱的人------喜欢一个人,你要的只是今天----爱一个人,你期望的是永 远----- 喜欢一个人,是看到了他的 优点----- 爱一个人,是包容了他的缺点----- 当你站在你 爱的人面前,你的心跳会加速----- 但当你站在你喜 欢的人面前,你只感到开心

喜欢,是一种心情--- 爱,是一种感情---喜欢,是一种直觉---爱,是一种感觉--- 喜欢,可以停止---爱,没有休止--- 喜欢一个人,特别自然---爱一个人,特别坦然--- 喜欢一个人,不停的和他争 执--- 爱一个人,不停的为他付出---喜欢一个人,总是为他而笑---爱一个人,总是为他而哭--- 喜欢,是执着--- 爱,是值得--- 喜欢就是喜欢,很简单--- 爱就是爱,很复杂--- 喜欢你,却不一定爱你爱你，就一定喜欢你--- 其实,喜欢和爱仅一步之遥

愛上一个人..........如此的甜蜜卻又讓人受傷害---放棄一个人..........如此的難過卻又讓人心碎--- 珍惜身旁的每一个人,不要等到失去了--- 才瞭解到遺憾.和後悔是如此的痛苦....---→因為愛你.所以放手還你自由←---→因為愛你.所以不再讓你困擾←---→因為愛你.所以寧願自己難 過←---→因為愛你.所以我逼自己離開←---　珍惜友誼---　在繽紛的塵宇中　---　你我相識　---　不管是一次偶然的相逢　--- ----或是成為永遠的知已　----　我都一樣珍惜　---如果我還一直深愛著你...你是否還會待在我身邊?--- 如果我還一直在乎著你...你是否會再多看我一眼?--- 是否我已不存在了...你才感覺的到我的離開?---是否我已離開了....你才感覺的到我對你的好?--- 最真摯滴愛情不需要承諾---注定緣份滴情人不需要約定---- 只要真心真意滴對待眼前滴你---- 只願陪伴著你直到你不愛你‧‧‧‧‧

你知道痛楚的感 觉吗？ 有一个男人，从来不知道痛楚的感 觉，直至他 爱上一个女人。从前的他，常常被女孩子包 围着，向他大献殷勤，他从来不需要追求女孩子。他最<br /> 担心的，不是别人不爱他，而是别人太爱他。 有一个女孩子，深深地 爱着他，为他放弃了自己的事 业。同居三年，她发觉他从未 爱过她，他只是不讨厌她而已。

分手那一天，她含泪按着自己的胸口 问他： “你知道我这里有多痛 吗？” 他觉得内疚，可是他却不知道她有多痛。 直至有一天，他爱上一个女人，那个女人却不能 爱他，他才明白心痛的滋味。长夜漫漫，思念一个人，原来是那 么痛的。 每当她在他面前出现，他却不可以碰她。他的喜怒哀 乐仿佛全由她一手控制。得不到一个人，原来是那么痛的。她流一滴眼泪，他就愿意 为她赴汤蹈火。可是，他知道，怀抱她的，是另外一个男。他在夜里独自饮泣。原来，爱一个人，是有痛楚的。 他终于明白，从前那个深深地 爱着他的女人，按着胸口所说的那种痛楚，到底有多 痛，到底有多痛。